November 9, 2011

November 9, 2011 - It doesn't sound like an important day.  It was a Wednesday.  Seems ordinary enough.  But it's not.
It's a significant day in my life.
One that is sad and depressing.
One that I would like to run away from.
Life is fragile and can change quickly.  Don't blink.  Don't get too comfortable.  Don't have expectations or hopes or dreams.  Just live in your today.  Look around, be grateful, don't look ahead and don't look behind.
Enjoy yourself because tomorrow or even the next moment things will change and you have no control on what is coming.

I'll think about that tomorrow.

Sometimes life can be really, terribly hard.
Today I want to throw my hands in the air and say, "I don't care anymore, whatever."
It is so much easier not to care.
It seems so much easier to just emotionally disconnect.
I asked my therapist if that was possible.  If I didn't have to deal with all my problems but that I could pick a date and start from there and that everything from before that date could never be brought up again.
She told me that was pretty much impossible.
Shit, damn, hell.
Why can't that be possible?

Here is a quote from Scarlett O'Hara:
Scarlett: I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

© Warner Home Video. All rights reserved

(I know there are a lot more pretty pictures of Scarlett 

but I love this scene in the movie and book.)

That's what I think every day.

I feel too busy to figure out my life.
I am exhausted everyday it seems.
There is just too much stuff.
Luckily I see my therapist tomorrow, right?

Love.

Therapy #2

I like therapy.
It really helps me.

Yesterday I had a horrible, depressed day.  Things just get heavy and then overwhelming.  Yesterday all I could think was the gossip that ensues when a life event like this happens.  All I could think about were the friends that speak to friends that speak to friends who attempt to tell MY story but butcher it because they have not actually heard my story from my lips.  So then it becomes gossip full of assumptions and guesses and opinions and conclusions.

On my regular, logical day I realize I can't control this and who cares because I know my truth and it doesn't matter what others are saying but on hard days things like gossip become another thing for me to bear and it gets much too heavy and I slip into depression.
The thing I hate most about depression is the questioning of every choice in my life even down to the clothes I wear.  It is exhausting.

So luckily today was therapy day and it helped a lot.  I didn't even talk about all the gossip heaviness.  It just helps to talk to someone and tell them all the nitty gritty secrets of my life and to be completely honest about who I am and what I have done and am doing.  It helps so much.  She repeats back to me what I say so I can hear my voice and helps me to sort through emotions and gives me ideas on how to question things so I can figure stuff out.

Love it.

I am feeling better today.
I am feeling good that I am on a positive path and trying to progress and trying to be better and trying to figure out me.  
I feel the importance of it.

I just try not to look ahead of me because the road ahead of me is treacherous and long.  I try to just keep my eyes on where I am placing my feet today.

I hope you all have a good day today.  Take a moment and be grateful for where you are today and that you are not me.

Love.

My therapy begins.

I found a therapist and have started therapy.
I like her (she is a she) and I'm so glad it worked out because I liked her price a lot too.
I think therapy is worth the money even if it is expensive but I found someone I like and she has a really reasonable price so I am double happy about it.  


I feel myself slipping into bouts of depression and with all the emotions going on in my life right now I know I need some help.
I write this because I am not ashamed that I need therapy.  I think everyone needs it and that it is really helpful if you find the right therapist that fits for you.


What I am hoping to get out of it is insight, answers, aha moments (thanks Oprah), help and emotional peace.  I look forward to having someone who is completely un-invested in my life help me.  Plus, I get to talk about myself for an hour.  Who doesn't like doing that?  


Apart of me is a little scared at what I will discover but I am mostly relieved and feel like it is about damn time.  I have finally started something I probably should have started a long time ago.  


May I just say if you have thought about therapy just do it.  Don't wait until it is really, really bad to be motivated.  That just seems silly.  
Believe me I have amashzing hindsight!


Love.

Teenie, weenie update.

I have moved into a little house.
It is a bit lonely and depressing.
What else could it be really.

I have a few seasons of Friends and I pick a random disc and pop it into the DVD player for background noise. It makes me smile and laugh, I love Friends.  One of my favorite episodes is the Thanksgiving with Brad Pitt.  I love the teenie weenie!

I make sure I have Mexican Coke in my fridge and I discovered brownie bites in the refrigerated section near the cookie dough.  I tell you they are very good.

I don't think I will be able to get cable or internet.  Goodbye to Project Runway.  Very sad.

Living out of boxes is stupid.

Oh my gosh are you depressed along with me or what!!???

Here are some good things:

Scarlett is crawling.  It started about 2 weeks ago.  She loves it and is getting fast.
Eva went to San Francisco with Clint and had a great time.  One night she missed me and I sang her to sleep over the phone.  (I had a hard time keeping it together so I could sing.)  I sang her The Little Mermaid song, the Sleeping Beauty song and the Snow White song.

Love.