Did you know?

Did you know Eva used to be a little baby?

 One of the first pictures of her.

First smile I captured.

With her favorite cousin Lucy.

At 2 years.

In 2 months she is going to be 3!

Not fair.

November 9, 2011

November 9, 2011 - It doesn't sound like an important day.  It was a Wednesday.  Seems ordinary enough.  But it's not.
It's a significant day in my life.
One that is sad and depressing.
One that I would like to run away from.
Life is fragile and can change quickly.  Don't blink.  Don't get too comfortable.  Don't have expectations or hopes or dreams.  Just live in your today.  Look around, be grateful, don't look ahead and don't look behind.
Enjoy yourself because tomorrow or even the next moment things will change and you have no control on what is coming.

Question my therapist asked me.

Yesterday during therapy I gave my therapist the analogy of a 50 gallon bucket and that filling that bucket seemed impossible but that I was in charge of filling it and I felt hopeless and frustrated and that nothing I did was enough.
She turned the question and analogy on me and asked,"So, what fills up your bucket?  What makes you feel satisified and fulfilled?"
I really had to think about it but here is my answer:

Right now, today, after my kids go to bed and I feel I have no one requiring anything from me I watch a movie and try to mentally escape from myself and my life.  My house needs cleaning desperately and there are so much seemingly better things I could do with my time but watching a movie helps me to regenerate and fill my bucket a little and face the next day with renewed energy.
Last night I watched The Importance of Being Earnest.  I love that movie so much.  Every line is hilarious and clever.

I'm pretty sure I did this on my last blog but whatever, here are some lines from the movie.  Don't just pass over them, read them they are wonderful.


"I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 1

 "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 1

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Gwendolen - Cecily - it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?"
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3


"London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3


So what fills your bucket?

I'll think about that tomorrow.

Sometimes life can be really, terribly hard.
Today I want to throw my hands in the air and say, "I don't care anymore, whatever."
It is so much easier not to care.
It seems so much easier to just emotionally disconnect.
I asked my therapist if that was possible.  If I didn't have to deal with all my problems but that I could pick a date and start from there and that everything from before that date could never be brought up again.
She told me that was pretty much impossible.
Shit, damn, hell.
Why can't that be possible?

Here is a quote from Scarlett O'Hara:
Scarlett: I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

© Warner Home Video. All rights reserved

(I know there are a lot more pretty pictures of Scarlett 

but I love this scene in the movie and book.)

That's what I think every day.

I feel too busy to figure out my life.
I am exhausted everyday it seems.
There is just too much stuff.
Luckily I see my therapist tomorrow, right?

Love.

Please watch this!

Therapy #2

I like therapy.
It really helps me.

Yesterday I had a horrible, depressed day.  Things just get heavy and then overwhelming.  Yesterday all I could think was the gossip that ensues when a life event like this happens.  All I could think about were the friends that speak to friends that speak to friends who attempt to tell MY story but butcher it because they have not actually heard my story from my lips.  So then it becomes gossip full of assumptions and guesses and opinions and conclusions.

On my regular, logical day I realize I can't control this and who cares because I know my truth and it doesn't matter what others are saying but on hard days things like gossip become another thing for me to bear and it gets much too heavy and I slip into depression.
The thing I hate most about depression is the questioning of every choice in my life even down to the clothes I wear.  It is exhausting.

So luckily today was therapy day and it helped a lot.  I didn't even talk about all the gossip heaviness.  It just helps to talk to someone and tell them all the nitty gritty secrets of my life and to be completely honest about who I am and what I have done and am doing.  It helps so much.  She repeats back to me what I say so I can hear my voice and helps me to sort through emotions and gives me ideas on how to question things so I can figure stuff out.

Love it.

I am feeling better today.
I am feeling good that I am on a positive path and trying to progress and trying to be better and trying to figure out me.  
I feel the importance of it.

I just try not to look ahead of me because the road ahead of me is treacherous and long.  I try to just keep my eyes on where I am placing my feet today.

I hope you all have a good day today.  Take a moment and be grateful for where you are today and that you are not me.

Love.

My therapy begins.

I found a therapist and have started therapy.
I like her (she is a she) and I'm so glad it worked out because I liked her price a lot too.
I think therapy is worth the money even if it is expensive but I found someone I like and she has a really reasonable price so I am double happy about it.  


I feel myself slipping into bouts of depression and with all the emotions going on in my life right now I know I need some help.
I write this because I am not ashamed that I need therapy.  I think everyone needs it and that it is really helpful if you find the right therapist that fits for you.


What I am hoping to get out of it is insight, answers, aha moments (thanks Oprah), help and emotional peace.  I look forward to having someone who is completely un-invested in my life help me.  Plus, I get to talk about myself for an hour.  Who doesn't like doing that?  


Apart of me is a little scared at what I will discover but I am mostly relieved and feel like it is about damn time.  I have finally started something I probably should have started a long time ago.  


May I just say if you have thought about therapy just do it.  Don't wait until it is really, really bad to be motivated.  That just seems silly.  
Believe me I have amashzing hindsight!


Love.

BTW

My eye is on the road to a full recovery although I have to wear my glasses for a few more weeks.  


There is some scarring on my cornea from my past episodes but it is peripheral and this latest episode looks like minimal scarring.


And apparently we all have herpes or will get it eventually but it is a genetic thing if it decides to flare up.  So everyone can stop with the herpes jokes.


Also check out my new favorite blog.  It is written by my 8 year old niece.  I love it.

Love.

The best news I have had in a really long time!

Arrested Development is on its way back to TV.  I may just have to get cable so that I can DVR it.
Check out the news here.
Seriously I am so happy!

Thanks to Alicia for letting me know.

The saga continues.

So Thursday I went to the eye doctor, got the herpes confirmed, got some more meds and some lame dark glasses.

My cute new glasses.

The free glasses were not dark enough so I had to double up.
Still not dark enough but enough that I could get home.

Friday morning was in a lot of pain and called to ask for some pain killers and was treated like an addict and told that if I was really in pain I should be seen again.  BUT I COULDN'T DRIVE!!!  It makes me mad that the addicts have ruined it for the people who actually need drugs.  Everyone is an addict until proven otherwise now.

Over the weekend I went to my mom's which was a big help and I was able to rest a lot.  Luckily while at my mom's I found out that my aunt has lots of pain pills and shared some with me.  I took one which basically knocked me out for 24 hours.  I forgot how sensitive I was to pain medication.  Luckily I was at my mom's where someone could help me with my kids.

Monday rolled around and absolutely no change to my eyes so I went back to the doctor since I couldn't do anything else.  Had to wait for 2 hours to see the doctor which I was fine with because I could sit there with my eyes closed undisturbed.  Had another specialist look at my eye and give me more drugs.  Another eye drop and an oral medication.  In just 15 hours I am doing 10 times better!  I am able to drive and able to work!  Phew.  I see a cornea specialist on Wednesday.  I hope I don't get any permanent scarring on my cornea but I will actually be surprised if I don't.  This has been so painful and persistent that I will be really surprised if there is no permanent damage.  Permanent damage will be a little fog cloud in my vision but let's hope it's not so bad.

So for the past week I have not been able to do anything when I got home but bathe and feed my kids so I have not unpacked a thing and I am living in a pig pen.  I am looking forward to some order in my home and hope my life will follow suit.

The going gets tougher and my kids are cute.

I have to see a specialist for my eye.  It is not getting better but getting worse.
I can't really function in any sort of light and I can't drive.
You know that saying "When it rains it pours."?
Well, that is my life right now.
I'm wondering when the bend will be.
Where is that darn bend so I can go around it and see the break in the clouds and a rainbow?
I fear it is weeks or even months away.

On a side note:
Eva talks in her sleep.  Last night she said "Cow poop Momma."  And I said back, "Just don't step in it." and she said, "OK".
I love that I can talk to her and she will talk back in her sleep.


Eva uses the word darn and I love it.  She will say, "That darn dog." or "That darn wall." or whatever she is darning.


Eva loves to sing and learn the words to songs.  I will have to try to post some.  It is so great.


Eva yells at the wind and hates her hair to blow.  She will point her finger at the wind and say,"No wind" or "Stop it wind" or of course "That darn wind Momma."


Scarlett is finally getting her bottom teeth but they are coming really slowly.  She is babbling and putting everything in her mouth that she possibly can.  She loves to eat regular food and has weened herself from nursing.  I am very sad about that by the way.  Only 9 months!


Scarlett literally has to be the happiest baby in the world.  The only time she really cries is when she is hungry or  wants to be snuggled.  She has the softest skin and is so squishy so snuggling her is absolutely no problem at all.  Feel free to stop by and snuggle her anytime.  I would love it.

Love to you.

Teenie, weenie update.

I have moved into a little house.
It is a bit lonely and depressing.
What else could it be really.

I have a few seasons of Friends and I pick a random disc and pop it into the DVD player for background noise. It makes me smile and laugh, I love Friends.  One of my favorite episodes is the Thanksgiving with Brad Pitt.  I love the teenie weenie!

I make sure I have Mexican Coke in my fridge and I discovered brownie bites in the refrigerated section near the cookie dough.  I tell you they are very good.

I don't think I will be able to get cable or internet.  Goodbye to Project Runway.  Very sad.

Living out of boxes is stupid.

Oh my gosh are you depressed along with me or what!!???

Here are some good things:

Scarlett is crawling.  It started about 2 weeks ago.  She loves it and is getting fast.
Eva went to San Francisco with Clint and had a great time.  One night she missed me and I sang her to sleep over the phone.  (I had a hard time keeping it together so I could sing.)  I sang her The Little Mermaid song, the Sleeping Beauty song and the Snow White song.

Love.

Hello.

I have amazing family and friends who love me and help me.

Thank you!

All is well.

Story of my life.

Scary and hard and sad.

That is the story of my life lately.

There are some happy moments but mostly those things.

The worst is when I actually have time to look around and view where I am it is truly unbelievable.  I can't wrap my head around my whole situation.

I am where I am,
I stand where I stand.
My choices here got,
My choices I'm not.

It's late can you tell?

All I pray for is to grow and listen and learn everyday.  If I am progressing then I am OK.

I am OK.

I am OK.

I am OK.




Good luck.

I think I was tricked into becoming an adult.

Being an adult is way overrated.
I am trying to figure out when my bubble popped and I realized that I was tricked.  All adults make it seem so cool to be adults when you are little.  I think it is a conspiracy.

What I would give to be on Mocha Drive where I grew up playing outside when my only concern was trying to force down the Lima beans my mom would make me eat.

Oh the drama of those Lima beans.

Changes.

I have some big changes happening in my life.
I am scared and worried.
The changes are not fun.
I would love to just write it all out and get everything I feel out of my body but now is not the time plus my words tend to get me into trouble.
So for now I will just post pictures to tell my story rather than words.

Credit for photo a1thriftistorage.com

I am also stressed because with summer ending so did some babysitters I had to watch my girls while I worked.  Now I have to find new situations for my girls and it is hard and frustrating.  Today I wish I didn't have to work ever.

But seriously I am so grateful for my amazing, supportive job.  I am very lucky.

Bye.

Scarlett is frustrated.

Scarlett is so frustrated lately with her position in life.

She is trying so hard to crawl and she is so close and she cries out in frustration when she just can't get it right.  

Plus it is a lot of work to try to crawl and she gets tired.

Scarlett also would rather eat food like the rest of us rather than drink her silly bottle or nurse.  

Everything just seems way more exciting then what Scarlett can do.

She wants to run around with her sister and 

play with her cousins and she hates being left out.

It is sad to see her little lower lip curl under 

when she gets her feelings hurt.

And I say, welcome to the club Scarlett, 

we are all frustrated with our position in life.  

Right now you want to be big 

but when you get big you will want to be little again.

You've got to enjoy what you have when you have it.

I am going to try to teach my girls this but 

I think this is something that is learned not taught.

Oh how I love this girl!

I love your position in life right now, Scarlett!

Don't get big!

I don't like hindsight.

This is me in my junior year of high school in my dress for the Sweethearts dance.

(My mom designed and made the dress.  It is red velvet and the white part is layers of lace.  

I loved it and still do.)

You know how when you think back to high school and with the amazing hindsight that you now have and you regret all the wasted time you spent on boys and trying to be cool and boys?

That's how I think it is going to be when we die.  We are going to look back on our lives and actually understand how short and precious our life was and realize how much time we wasted on so many silly, stupid things.

When I think about this future feeling it terrifies me because if feeling it now with all my stupidity and not knowing anything about what comes after this life or the purpose of life imagine how we will feel once we can understand what this life was all about and comprehend how we squandered our time with clothes, TV, trying to be cool, boys, etc.  Just the imagined feeling of regret makes me sick.

Hope that made sense to you.

Have a good day!  Try not to squander it!

Grey colored glasses.

I have grey colored glasses on.  

It is not that enjoyable to see the world through grey colored glasses but I can't get them off.  I think they will be with me for a while.

What I am afraid of is the cynicism that comes with them and the lack of faith in...well everything.

I had a friend tell me that to be a good runner I have to learn how to love pain.  It is very true but I also think that it applies to life.
So here is a quote from me for all you people who put quotes on your blogs you can try this one:

"To be good at life, to be happy, to be joyful, to be content, you must learn to love pain."


p.s. Alicia, did I use that semicolon right or should I have just used a period?  I need to know for the millions of people who are going to use my quote.


post edit:  I took out the semi.

Please read this it is important.

Please check out this blog and help this family if you can.  Even if all you can do is pray for them.  
And while you are at it follow the link to register yourself as a donor.  It is important.