November 9, 2011

November 9, 2011 - It doesn't sound like an important day.  It was a Wednesday.  Seems ordinary enough.  But it's not.
It's a significant day in my life.
One that is sad and depressing.
One that I would like to run away from.
Life is fragile and can change quickly.  Don't blink.  Don't get too comfortable.  Don't have expectations or hopes or dreams.  Just live in your today.  Look around, be grateful, don't look ahead and don't look behind.
Enjoy yourself because tomorrow or even the next moment things will change and you have no control on what is coming.

Question my therapist asked me.

Yesterday during therapy I gave my therapist the analogy of a 50 gallon bucket and that filling that bucket seemed impossible but that I was in charge of filling it and I felt hopeless and frustrated and that nothing I did was enough.
She turned the question and analogy on me and asked,"So, what fills up your bucket?  What makes you feel satisified and fulfilled?"
I really had to think about it but here is my answer:

Right now, today, after my kids go to bed and I feel I have no one requiring anything from me I watch a movie and try to mentally escape from myself and my life.  My house needs cleaning desperately and there are so much seemingly better things I could do with my time but watching a movie helps me to regenerate and fill my bucket a little and face the next day with renewed energy.
Last night I watched The Importance of Being Earnest.  I love that movie so much.  Every line is hilarious and clever.

I'm pretty sure I did this on my last blog but whatever, here are some lines from the movie.  Don't just pass over them, read them they are wonderful.


"I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 1

 "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 1

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Oh, I don't think I would care to catch a sensible man. I shouldn't know what to talk to him about."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Gwendolen - Cecily - it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 2


"Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?"
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3


"London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years."
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3


So what fills your bucket?

I'll think about that tomorrow.

Sometimes life can be really, terribly hard.
Today I want to throw my hands in the air and say, "I don't care anymore, whatever."
It is so much easier not to care.
It seems so much easier to just emotionally disconnect.
I asked my therapist if that was possible.  If I didn't have to deal with all my problems but that I could pick a date and start from there and that everything from before that date could never be brought up again.
She told me that was pretty much impossible.
Shit, damn, hell.
Why can't that be possible?

Here is a quote from Scarlett O'Hara:
Scarlett: I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

© Warner Home Video. All rights reserved

(I know there are a lot more pretty pictures of Scarlett 

but I love this scene in the movie and book.)

That's what I think every day.

I feel too busy to figure out my life.
I am exhausted everyday it seems.
There is just too much stuff.
Luckily I see my therapist tomorrow, right?

Love.

Therapy #2

I like therapy.
It really helps me.

Yesterday I had a horrible, depressed day.  Things just get heavy and then overwhelming.  Yesterday all I could think was the gossip that ensues when a life event like this happens.  All I could think about were the friends that speak to friends that speak to friends who attempt to tell MY story but butcher it because they have not actually heard my story from my lips.  So then it becomes gossip full of assumptions and guesses and opinions and conclusions.

On my regular, logical day I realize I can't control this and who cares because I know my truth and it doesn't matter what others are saying but on hard days things like gossip become another thing for me to bear and it gets much too heavy and I slip into depression.
The thing I hate most about depression is the questioning of every choice in my life even down to the clothes I wear.  It is exhausting.

So luckily today was therapy day and it helped a lot.  I didn't even talk about all the gossip heaviness.  It just helps to talk to someone and tell them all the nitty gritty secrets of my life and to be completely honest about who I am and what I have done and am doing.  It helps so much.  She repeats back to me what I say so I can hear my voice and helps me to sort through emotions and gives me ideas on how to question things so I can figure stuff out.

Love it.

I am feeling better today.
I am feeling good that I am on a positive path and trying to progress and trying to be better and trying to figure out me.  
I feel the importance of it.

I just try not to look ahead of me because the road ahead of me is treacherous and long.  I try to just keep my eyes on where I am placing my feet today.

I hope you all have a good day today.  Take a moment and be grateful for where you are today and that you are not me.

Love.

What I am trying to tell myself today.

What I am trying to tell myself today is:

Everyone has their own path and journey through this life.


Not everyone needs to learn what I am learning, have learned or will learn.


Not everyone will make the same mistakes as I will even if they make the same decisions.


Just because I think I know better doesn't mean I am actually better...or that I actually know better.


To comfort myself I should not think, "Ya, they'll learn and their world will come crashing down and then I will be able to tell them "Told ya" in my mind."


Today I went to a wedding and instead of enjoying myself I didn't enjoy myself.

Lefty.

Eva is left handed and brained.
When I am helping her put on her underwear or pants or whatever she lifts her left leg first.  It throws me off every time.
Obviously I am right handed and that is the reason it throws me off.

To the right handed folks out there: Have you ever tried to put on your pants left leg first?  It is hard and feels really weird.  The weirdest thing, for you right handed girls, is to try to wipe with your left hand.  Seriously, one of the hardest things you will ever do, and most awkward.


Eva eats with her right hand though so I choose to believe she is a genius.

p.s.
I guess the right handed men can try it too.

Just a thought

I had a shower epiphany today.  Do you have those?
I have some of my best ideas/thoughts/realizations/remembrances while in the shower.

You know when someone says,"I'm just picky" or "I'm just pickier than you"?
Well it's rude.
It implies that they have higher standards then you do and you settled for whatever you are talking about.
I am trying to remember if I use this phrase a lot.
I don't know but I am going to try never again to.
It is the worst when single people tell you they aren't married because they are just picky.
Although they probably feel attacked because you have asked them why they aren't married which is rude in and of itself.
The end.

Post edit:  It is fine to say your kid is a picky eater.  Kids are picky without being rude...usually.